Saturday, 13 February 2016

Book: The Problem With Giraffes

My problem began 4 weeks ago
Though I couldn't tell at first.
A few things slightly moved about
No need to fear the worst.

Food missing from the cupboards,
Crumbs upon the floor.
A strange smell here and there.
A late night creaking door.

Then the noises grew much worse,
From creaks, to bangs and thumps.
Something used my toothpaste
And the carpet grew huge lumps.

The garden trees all lost their leaves
Rings left around the baths.
Then at last I realised
My house was infested with giraffes.

As they grew braver I got to see
Them quickly run about.
As I would go into a room
They would all run out.

Things didn't improve as time went on:
They roamed without a care.
I'd try to pass one in the hall
And be met with stubborn stare.

They raided the fridge, all the drawers,
And emptied every tin.
They drank everything in sight
And left me without a thing.

The long necked beasts ran riot.
How many? No one knows.
They even ransacked my wardrobe
And tried on all my clothes.

I tried the simple things at first
Like shooing them away.
I visited my local shop
And bought some giraffe spray.

I squirted so much about 
That the stuff killed off my roses.
The giraffes were not the least bit bothered.
They just put pegs upon their noses.  


I sent for a pest controller
With the name "Giraffe-Be-Gone".
She arrived within the hour
So I thought "Now It won't be long".

She put down traps, and hung up nets.
The service wasn't cheap.
She put poison out, but not to kill them.
Just to send them off to sleep.  

She put down pools of sticky glue
To catch them by their feet.
And in the middle of it all
A lovely tasty treat.

But clever giraffes can find a way
And this trap was not too tricky.
Just reach out with an enormous neck
And you won't get yourself all sticky.  

She used a rope to lasso some
And caught others with her bare hands.
She tricked them into boxes
And sent them to far off lands.

Some were caught in the garden
Where she had dug a giraffe pit.
Many were sucked up by a Vacuum
Until the bag then split. 

She fetched her secret weapon:
A great big blue machine. 
It rushed between every room
Until no trace of them was seen.

It's grabbing arms had triumphed.
It had scooped up every one.
But this was not the end of things.
The fight was far from done.

The Great machine was bulging full
When a crafty foot poked out
And flicked the thing into reverse
"Oh no!" I had to shout.

So many spotty pests about.
Was it a hundred? 2 hundred? More?!
I thought Giraffe-Be-Gone would do it
But then I wasn't sure.   

She continued very bravely
But it was a battle without an end.
For every one that she threw out
Returned and brought a friend. 

Giraffe-Be-Gone then gave up.
She was beaten fair and square.
I hear she moved and set up shop
Cutting people's hair.

The war was going badly
And I didn't look like winning.
The Giraffes just stood about the place
And stared at me while grinning.

So I called an end to things.
Packed up poison, traps and nets.
And now I live quite happily
With an awful lot of pets.




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