A Book Of Increasingly Inaccurate Facts About Cows

Cows are big farm animals
That come in brown, or black and white.
They do cow stuff in the daytime
And like to sleep at night.

To make milk they need some food.
Their favourite type is grass.
The farmer milks them and puts it all
In bottles made of glass.


Some cows live in cold places
Like the mountain Yaks.
Bigger than our types of cows
With long hair upon their backs.  

In America there's Bison
And elsewhere Buffalo.
They're different from each other
But how I just don't know.  


They don't say much but when they do
They have to talk in moos.
Be careful round the back of them
They do the most enormous poos.

Some have bells and some have horns
That make the most tremendous noise.
I think the girl cows wear the bells
And the horns are for the boys.


The farmer rounds them up for milking
And although they think it's fun.
They take it slowly as their milk will spoil
If the cows all start to run.

Some farmers bounce their cows about
On purpose, not mistake.
And feed them strawberries and other fruit
So they produce milkshake.


Some farmers tickle theirs on the nose
To bring out all their sneezes.
Which is of course how they make
A variety of cheeses.

Cows are also full of meat
On which you might like feeding.
I won't tell you how they get it out
In case any cows are reading. 


Cows all like to sleep at night
In their tunnels underground.
Only coming out at dawn
To eat cakes and dance around. 

They eat their grass and their cakes
But LOVE blueberry pie.
It gives them the energy that they need 
When they want to fly.



Cows play all kinds of sports
And don't mind if they lose.
Some prefer to sing and dance
And do ballet in tutus.

Young cows, or calves, all go to school
To learn about cow things. 
Like famous cows in history
Cow Queens and their cow Kings.  
  

All cows like to sleep in trees
In the most enormous nests,
But only after they've brushed their teeth
And taken off their vests. 

Sometimes you see an empty field,
But don't be fooled: It's full.
It's holding lots of see through cows
And the odd invisibull.    


They have all kinds of exciting jobs
I'll name you more than three:
Policecows, Firecows, Farmer cows,
Or... cow pirates out at sea.  

They wear cow hats, cow boots,
Cow jumpers and cow shirts.
And in hot summers cooler things,
Like a floaty floral skirt. 

   
Cows all live in snowy castles
Topped with frozen towers.
Built by them using ice
And their special secret powers.

When they meet crooks or super villains
"Help! Cows!" The baddies wail.
The cows then use their super strength 
To throw them all in jail.  


Space cows boldly go
From one planet to another.
Wearing coloured space suits
Knitted by their Mother.

They quickly go off zooming
In space ships quite diverse.
Here and there, near and far
Across the universe.


Back down to Earth they come
When they've finished their exploring.
Although I admit, I've made some things up
Because cows are really boring.

Really they just stand about
And do a bit of chewing,
Lay down, stand up, and turn around,
And sometimes they start mooing.